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Longyoulive_highyoufly
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Name: Samantha
Gender: Female
Interests: Learning, law, politics, the world, drawing, painting, yoga, fashion, reading, reading, reading.
Message: message me
Member Since:
12/7/2008
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| It's been a while, but something so monumental in my life has occurred, or so it feels, that I must record the happenings.
Friday June 26, 2009 I was invited to go to a rave with a few friends who had gone to one the weekend prior. Having loved the experience last year I eagerly accepted knowing the night would be filled with amazing music, dancing, and of course ecstasy.
I discovered ecstasy in April of 08. Despite the stigma that was attached to it and the undesirable reaction I received from my friends for taking it, I absolutely adored it. That first time I knew I had found my calling.. my absolute favorite vice and/or guilty pleasure. She was me... she made me everything I wanted to be and more. I am overcome with pure bliss, I can dance forever and love every moment, lights and colors send my eyes on a field day, the world is absolutely perfect and beautiful, and I love every single person. To me, it's the perfect drug.. if only it didn't put a dime-sized hole in your brain, right? But other than that, I loved it from the first time.
Friday night I was ecstatic to go to the rave Noise. Everyone had on their rave gear, which usually consists of nothing more that brightly colored extremely revealing clothing. But it gets very warm and it is an entire different world once you enter a rave.. no judging. But I, having no sexy or skimpy clothing and not really feeling it necessary to subject people to that, wore a blue dress. I love this dress and it's pretty short so I figured it could be acceptable attire.
So we are very excited once we get to the rave. Even though it was indoors with very little ventilation I still had high hopes for my evening. I couldn't wait to start rolling and have a great time dancing with my friends. Brooke and Elaine finally found rolls and we all took them after about 30 minutes of being there. It takes a good half and hour for them to kick in so I was hanging out at the tables for a while. It's all a blur now but somehow I got separated from the rest of the group and we had not made a meeting spot, so I started to walk all over the building, searching in spots we'd been to before. I must have circled the building five times before I finally decided to stop searching and start dancing.. I could feel my roll starting. So there I found myself, alone, in the middle of the dance floor. I was looking down, trying to feel the beats and began to dance a little. I looked up and still had my eyes peeled for my friends. Instead of meeting eyes with one of them I locked eyes with one guy across the dance floor, with tons of people in between. I thought I knew him for a moment but realized that I didnt. So I disregarded it, because it happens all the time, but I felt a little weird in a good way about it. So I started to move around again and look for my friends. On my way around I locked eyes with the same guy as before, I got that same sense of knowing, and I almost couldn't look away.. and neither would he. But I continued on and without success returned to the general area I was in when I first started rolling. By that time I was really starting to feel something so I started to dance. I decided to look up one last time for my friends before giving up so I raised my eyes and to my suprise the guy from before did the exact same thing. But this time, with our eyes transfixed on each other, he began to walk towards me.
It was the most interesting experience I've had while rolling. It was my first roll in over a year and it was just beginning and my eyes were locked on one individual. He was coming towards me in slow motion and the rest of the room seemed to fade around us.. all the noise, people dancing, lights and colors seemed to disappear.. his eyes and movements were all I could see. Then like that, I was snapped back to reality. He was there in front of me, my arms were touching his and his were touching mine..then we just started dancing. It only took a matter of seconds for our bodies to start flowing together. I have never felt at ease with someone that quickly and never so..right. We continued that way for the rest of the night. It got so hot in that building we were dripping with sweat.. his shirt was drenched and my dress was as well. (I went in there with pin straight hair and came out with very curly hair.. I didn't know my hair could do what it did) But for the whole evening he never left my side. He was so courteous and always asked how I was doing.. he found water when I was dying of thirst and moved me under the vents when I got a little too heated. He even sat me down and gave me a massage while he found someone to do a light show for me.
If we were walking his hand never left mine. If we were dancing his hands never left my waist. If I looked up at him a smile never left his face and his eyes never stopped looking at mine. We rocked the dance floor, to say the least. We got down..or shall I say I did.. but not in a slutty way.. well maybe.. but it was only with him, and I felt so comfortable with him. I still remember the first words he said to me.. I was dancing facing him, right against his chest, and I looked up and smiled at him, he fixed his gaze and told me "You're eyes are beautiful", sounds corny and I get it all the time, but it sounded so sincere coming from his mouth.. so I felt it was time to tell him how much I loved his smile...cuz honestly I LOVE smiles, omg a beautiful smile is all I need, and he had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.. so I told him. He had a bashful look as he brushed it off but there was no denying it, he knew I meant it. So we continued to dance.. and dance.. and dance.. then I found myself at this point.. all I remember is I was facing him and looking at his waist as we were dancing, then his hand slowly inched towards my chin, he held my face so gently as we were dancing and I lightly touched his chin, our foreheads met and then our noses followed, even though we were still dancing I wasnt controlling it, we idled there for only a few seconds before his magnetism lured me in. At first all I could taste was the sweat on his lips because of the ungodly heat in that building. But then I felt his lips against mine and I have never felt any so perfect as his were.. and the first time I felt his tongue against mine was like a fire burning out of control.. when our kiss finally ended I slowly pulled away with his lip in my teeth, letting him know I wasn't done.. I wanted more. He always left me wanting more..
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| So I have this bad habit I recently acquired: rubbing my tooth with my tongue.
You're in the middle of your mouth: its on the bottom, second to the right. It's gotten so bad that my tongue has a small cut where I do it. My gum is receding there, and it's uncomfortable as hell. But still I do it.
This morning I think I figured out why I do it.
I was supposed to un-enroll from school today. Instead, I slept until twelve. I am so mad at myself for doing this. I always do this. It's just another example of my lack of responsibility. I hate it so much. I hate wasting my day. But when I'm in that half-sleeping state contemplating whether or not I should get up, it's always the bed that wins. I just love my bed.
I need to stop though. Because instead of telling my dad I couldn't go today, I worried myself silly about getting in trouble. What he thinks. And the second I did that I started rubbing my tooth, and I noticed immediately. It's so uncomfortable but I can't stop. Even at the moment I am doing it.
I need to get responsible because I am being affected in so many ways by it. I can't deal with this anymore. I need to fix this.
And I need to not go on the computer and do nothing for an hour when I have things to do. Like get ready for work, clean my room, and vacuum the living room. And call my mom and talk to her about borrowing money from my brother becuase I am too chicken shit to ask him myself.
ANYWAYS, I need to get shit done.
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| Tomorrow morning I will be un-enrolling from Rio Rancho High School. I will be taking my GED and recieving a high school diploma from "New Mexico High School".
Two years ago, last year, even the beginning of my Senior Year I would have NEVER imagined in a million years I would do this. Especially with ONE MONTH left of school. But that is how the outside world would percieve it.
My decision to do this has been clearly thought over. I have royally screwed up in school this past semester. This year is the only year I have ever received an F, EVER, in my ENTIRE life. I have always been the honor, A+ without even trying, top of the class student. Then I got myself into a pile of dog shit with partying, and my nemesis Mary Jane. I fucked myself over, but I didn't see it at the time. Then, as I fell deeper and deeper into my depression I lost motivation to do schoolwork, to do anything. This past semester I had no motivation as well, as I am barely pulling myself out of this black hole.
At the moment, I am receiving failing grades in almost all of my classes. I have 1/2 a credit for PE I must complete before I graduate, and to do that I must lose 20lbs (I've gained 10lbs since the start of the year, and I needed to lose 10lbs when I started). That is too much pressure for me. And If I continue and go to summer school, say for only PE, it is likely I will not be able to attend UNM in the fall. And if I need to make up other credits for the classes I am failing I will most likely need to attend RRHS again next year. All I can say is FUCK that. I am never going to do that, ever.
So I will drop out tomorrow. It took me a very long time to come to this conclusion. I was afraid, and still am concerned, that I will be put at a disadvantage because of this. I know that it is my fault that I am in the situation now and I must deal with all the consequences so I will put up the biggest fight when it comes to getting ahead.
I was just so done with High School. It wasn't for me. I have never dreaded attending anything so awfully in my life. But it's not school, it's not learning. I LOVE learning. I can't wait to attend UNM. I am going to make a 4.0 every semester. I am going to study my ass off. I am going to LOVE college, because it is for ME. I am doing this for myself. I am not being forced to do the same monotonous routine I've been doing for the past 13 years. It is finally time for me to do my own thing. And finally time for me to work towards that Ivy Grad School.
Speaking of which, it is still my ultimate goal to go to Harvard Law. I think that I am even more motivated now that I am not actually graduating from a High School. I think that it will be a great proof that I am willing to do the work and I can and will succeed. Imagine, top of the class all the way to junior year, then hit the bottom of the class, then drop out, recieve GED, and attend UNM that fall and stay at the top of the class, even Valedictorian, can you hear it now?! Yes, I can. Maybe I can transfer to a better school after sophomore year. I don't know exactly, all I know is I am ready for this.
This is the biggest relief off of my shoulders. This is going to make one hell of a story someday. One hell of a comeback.
I'm just afraid I don't know how to tell Emily I won't be graduating. She already was planning to fly back down for my graduation. I'll do it, somehow. I just need to explain it to her like I did on here.
In other news, I have a rash type thing on my cheeks. :/ It itches slightly, burns slightly, and is annoying more than slightly. I think it is from a new makeup I got, note to self: NEVER use again. This is strange because up until this point I had never had a skin irritation from anything.
Overall, I'm so relieved. I start my Summer Vacation tomorrow I suppose, after unenrollment. My GED test is either on the 27th and 28th (birthdayyyy) or 29th and 30th. I have to choose. I will be able to focus on my life, getting in shape, and being happy. Having a car (possibly), loving my new job (Starbucks), and reading for endless hours in the Library (of Law!!). AHHH. It's like my future started early.
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| " I want to be anywhere but here.
I feel really lonely tonight.
I know who could fix that.
The same person to blame for it.
The same goddamn person I can't get off my mind, nor grow the balls to try and change things with.
I used to love being alone.
Why do people have to walk on in, and make it known that sometimes, simple words can be better than complex thought? That petty conversation can brighten up so much?
NOTHING IS THE SAME!
I WANT MY INNOCENCE BACK! I WANT MY BELIEFS! I WANT MY CERTAINTY! I WANT MY YOUTH, MY NAIVETY! I WANT TO KNOW MYSELF LIKE I DID, THEN!
God, someone teach me to be human.
I'm dying to know how. I'm dying to understand emotion, and I'm dying to try and do something for myself. I want to infringe my desire and will upon others, rather be this indifferent soul. I don't want to leave each to their own. I want it all, for me, to be me. I want to stand up for how I feel. I want to feel..something..
I am so restless.
I just need to get out of here.
I just need to be anywhere where I can see that life exists and thrives, because it does not in me."
This girl can speak the words I am thinking and she doesn't even know it. I feel like we share the same thought process, just two completely different lives.
Regardless, these words sum up the past few months of my life.
I want to have my innocence, carelessness, confidence, and naivety of youth back. But that's not me anymore, and I am slowly learning that each and every day. I am finally coming to realize I am taking the steps towards adulthood. I am finally growing my wings. The uncertainty is sometimes unbearable, but I know I will someday find the person I have been striving to be my entire life.
In other news, I didn't go to my Senior Thesis Presentation today. The icing to the cake of my awful school year. Now I doubt I have any chances of graduating with my class at Rio Rancho. But it's not all hopeless, like I assumed it was this morning. I had a breakdown. The ultimate hissy fit. I was screaming, crying, throwing things, and ultimately piled almost all of my belongings on my bed. I need to sort my life out, and I suppose this is the most tangible way to do it. With everything layed out in front of me.
Tomorrow morning I am going to wake up at 8:30am. I am going to take a shower, get dressed, and get my life in order. I have to work at 1 so this is important. I need to get my papers together for UNM, I need to get my budget sorted out, and I need to look in to Independence High. This may be just what I need. I can finish my high school credits over the summer and start fresh in the Fall in college. If I don't I'll lose my lottery scholarship. I need to get myself together, I'm sick of being a mess.
And me and Ben are becoming really close friends, it's awesome. We are both going to miss Emily so much when she leaves and we will have each other to help handle it. And I won't have to worry about having no friends, cuz he's in the same situation. We are a Venn Diagram, it's the easiest way to put it. She's on the left, he's on the right, and I'm the one in the middle. That's how Ben put it. But we're like two steps away from being best friends. I wouldn't mind it one bit, we are really similar.
I just need to get my shit together. My head is just about in the right place, I just can't have any more relapses. Whenever I am home I get this way, it's really hard. It's like when I am out with people doing things the world seems so easy, everything is simple. But when I get home, I am surrounded by negativity, from myself, and I eat myself alive. Everything becomes so complicated and I lose faith in myself and everything I am working towards. I need to stop that.
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| I can't help but cry when I hear this song. It came out when I was 8 years old, and became popular when I was in fifth grade. I remember sitting in my best friend Ally's room, listening to this song, and talking about what everything would be like when we were seniors. Trying to imagine what I would look like, how I would act, how grown up I would be. We talked about how hard it would be leaving our friends and how we would "definitely cry". And now, here I am, listening to this song crying. Crying because it has finally arrived. I have all the memories of high school behind me, all my ups and downs, all the friends I've made and lost, and all the prospects of the future in my head. I'm now at the point where I am thinking about my future becuase it begins in one month from today. I am so excited but I can't help but be sad about everything I am leaving. Even though I didn't enjoy this past year of high school, I experienced so much. This has been the time of my life, growing up, changing, and becoming myself. It's only been four years. I can only imagine what the next sixty will bring.
And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
And we would get so excitedand we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels
As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever
So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels
As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever
La, la, la, la:
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:
We will still be friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever
As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever
As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever
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